A Mid-Life Nervous Breakdown Story

by Laura

People consider me a very positive person, and one who adds inspiration and light to their life. Spiritual, heartfelt pursuits, dried up inside me 6 months ago, upon the convergence of a devastating new diagnoses of Lichen Sclerosus, new symptoms of IBS and IC and some other very difficult life circumstances that just took me down.. I have known for a long time that I was either clinically, chronically suffering with major depression or at the very least, had some serious issues that keep making me very sick beyond my diagnoses of Fibromyalgia. I have been fighting them, running from them, and ignoring all signs hoping it would just go away so that I could just lead a normal life. What a joke!

Now that I think about it, I have gone through some rather traumatic events over the past two years. I lost my mother, a home, and my last child “left the nest”. Another daughter has been going through brain cancer…yet we praise God for all the support and blessings that touch her life.

I crashed and burned..truly I did, and I am not complaining, but rather reporting where I have been for so long. I have been so extremely tired…. Can you relate? After having fibro for 25+ years I learned I have adrenal exhaustion. The last 6 months have been so bad that I have laid down in a fog staring at the TV. I could not concentrate on reading, writing for my blogs, social media, or the family and have had no interest in anything except sleep.

Where the HELL did I go!? My family has missed me for quite some time, and maybe you can relate to this. It’s called Isolating yourself from the world. I actually think I might have had what they used to call a nervous breakdown. For the past 9 months, every time I have gone in to my doctor (every 90 days) I’ve filled out the mandatory depression questionaire, and if there had been a box for “take me to the loony bin” some days… I think I may have been admitted for Suicidal thoughts, hopelessness, and feelings of complete and utter worthlessness  that occupied my mind most of the time. These thoughts felt like aliens, yet they just wouldn’t go away. It was horrible.
I grew up in the 60`s and 70 `s when the terminology “nervous breakdown” was still in use. I don’t think anyone says such a strange thing anymore… However, it makes me smile and giggle, because back then it was also used kind of “tongue in cheek”. My mom used to say “Ok, I’m ready for my nervous breakdown now! After taking all the grandchildren to a restaurant when they were little. Yes, that is crazy making!
I remember one of my friend’s moms disappearing for several months to her bedroom, while everyone in her family kept things going during her mother’s nervous breakdown as they referred to it.I think in her case, it was a real one. We never saw her. I only met my friend’s mother once, and other than that she was in her bedroom. I remember thinking how weird that was, but now can completely understand. While isolating ourselves is not the healthiest thing to do, it’s just what we do sometimes. Of course it’s always better to be around your family, stay active and fight your condition, sometime you have to stop running from the place you know you’re going to end up anyway. When you need peace and a lot of additional rest..you must just do it.

What’s the first moral to this story? While laying down all these months in this thick fog, moments of clarity came to me. One that kept coming was “Surrender… you don’t have to fight so hard, and you can still live well”. What we resist we usually get more of. The mental and emotional stress I have put on myself all my life to be “normal” and not accept my illness, has put a Ten Ton Weight on my chest. Sooner or later you just have to crack.

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